I guess that my familiarity with Lava soap came about differently than most of you. Seems as if I went to the Dhahran Library and found a neat book. This had to be about the eighth grade, and we were all just fascinated by how the Government would censor all the magazines with black magic marker or cut out pages. They did this for anything to do with sex, religion and, of course, Israel. Well, wanting to learn new words, and you can guess the direction this is heading, I managed to find the "FORBIDDEN" book of "American Slang" that was kept on the top shelf of those old steel shelves in the library. Well, these shelves were mighty tall and myself and another young man, now a damn sight further along into geezerhood than I, decided to climb up the book shelf to get this book of wondrous words.

As might be expected, we made it up to the top shelf, and it sure seemed like a mile down to the floor, but in so doing we had managed to push a whole section loose and were not aware of it. So two little boys, sitting on the top shelf, with the black leather bound book, and we find the meaning for the word "Sexual intercourse " (Polite way of wording this word of wonders). Many years later I was to learn new ways to use this word, but at the time the definitions of sexual activity was meaningless to us, BUT, the meaning of  to use it to say "Go away !" way very interesting to me. I was always wanting to impress Mr. Dickerson with my language skills.

I should have known there was trouble brewing because the books we were sitting on suddenly shifted and we fell off the shelf along with about three rows of books. I believe I heard the heart attack gasp at the front desk, although to me, piled up in books and still holding the famous reference I was more concerned with saving it. I quickly shoved it behind some other books as I heard the slap of sandaled feet moving quickly our way. Well we dashed out the rear door which led into the then pool hall and as we thought, HI YO SILVER AWAYYYYY !

I understand this book was placed behind the Librarians counter after this. However, this led to a very strong and stout learning of the phrase "Wash your mouth out with soap", which to me had never made any sense, although I had heard it plenty of times.

The next day at school, Miss Matthews made the lifetime mistake of asking me to explain some long winded diagram of how a sentence was constructed, I however was thinking of others things, and wanting to impress her ( I needed the grade) I simply said, loud and clear, FU-- Off !.  Yes, you might say I made an impression. I think the impact was equivalent to the shot heard round the world. I was looking at Miss Matthews, who was white as a sheet and the clock on the wall above her seemed to have actually stopped...I know that for a few minutes time stood very still. Pandemonium broke loose as those wiser than I headed for the door or under desks waiting for her to explode.

Well, off to the office , propelled as if shot from a cannon, pure bewilderment on my face, I knew I would get a reward for my talented grasp of the language. So there we are, in Mr. Dickerson's office and he say's" What did you say Mr. Crocker. So I told him "FU-- OFF !", well, evidently Miss Matthews had not told him what I had said, so he took this a little personal and asked me again and again and I kept repeating it thinking that's what he wanted to hear. I think the smack of what some call one hand "Clapping" ( described to me later as the distinct sound of one hand smacking a head ).

While I am reeling around, totally amazed at this turn of events the secretary has called my Mom and she has got to the school as the secretary had heard Mr. Dickerson and I going back and forth, louder and louder with the question and answer. SO with Mom there, and me raising cain about being hit for nothing, my Mom tears into Mr. Dickerson thinking I had been smacked for no reason( A thought,which by the way she never had again and still doesn't.)

Mr. Dickerson calls in Mr. Riley and Miss Matthews and asks me again..So I told the whole group, including my Mom to simply, and I thought quite eloquently, "FU-- OFF!"

Talk about manure hitting the fan, I think I got spun in a circle from all the hands that smacked me at once. To make a long story worse, when I got home Mom showed me the true meaning of "Washing out your mouth with soap", and so my lifelong aversion to lava soap began. I think that by the time Dad got home I was on my third bar and most likely could have blown bubbles from both ends, but the risk seemed a little high.

Apologies were extended to all known family members of all Aramco I think, seemed like I did a lot of writing on the chalk board also, something about "Silence is golden" one million times. What was stranger was that I had to do it in almost every classroom for a few days. Truly a conspiracy I thought.

Remind me to tell the story about the National Geographic and the school library sometime. I have this urge to go brush my teeth.

Date: Sun, 04 May 1997 18:02:05 -0500

To: ARAMCO Brats
From: Mike Crocker